New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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