You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So much Jack, so little girl.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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