Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
