I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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