Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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