saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
