I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize