so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
