I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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