Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you made out with another girl for some wings
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
