I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
