When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
