apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just invented taco cereal.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
