a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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