I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
