i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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