Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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