My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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