I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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