My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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