Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
