I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i will never coherently bang her
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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