Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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