This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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