its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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