I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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