This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
