I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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