My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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