did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
