Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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