I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
