oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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