i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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