I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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