a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
