Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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