just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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