News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
