FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
