I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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