I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize