trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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