wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize