im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
