I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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