i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
