I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
