Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
