im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
