She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
