Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
