He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
What drink are we having for lunch?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
