im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
