If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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