So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
