Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We're too hungover to prance.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
