I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize