sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize